How to Work Through “Perpetual Problems” in Long-Term Relationships
Some problems in your relationship are here to stay. In fact, most issues in relationships are perpetual, meaning they can’t be solved. The best you and your partner can do is manage them.
Doctors John and Julie Gottman, relationship scientists, have found that up to 70% of problems in a relationship will be present for the lifespan of the relationship.
What do you do with this startling information?
First and foremost, use it to reset your expectations of what a relationship is supposed to look like. Your life is not a rom-com, and relationships will not be all serendipitous circumstances and six-pack abs. You’re going to have to work at this thing- compromise, accept, appreciate, and find beauty in the occasionally clumsy complexity of a relationship in action.
Now, all debate in a relationship isn’t bad. You should want a partner that has opinions, goals, and strong beliefs. You should also hope for a partner who can speak up for themself, express their needs, have the clarity of mind, and the ability of spirit to fight for a life they are passionate about. The important thing is to understand the passion and work to be compassionate and open-minded to a vision of life that may be different from your own.
Also, remember that holding a firm stance isn’t necessarily combative. Stances held by yourself and your partner are attached to dreams and values with deep, deep roots, most likely originating from your childhood. So just because your partner doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean they are attacking or belittling you- they have an independent core value system informing their decisions and expectations. This system was most likely created in a time before they even knew you existed, so it doesn’t make sense for us to see it as a personal affront.
So what to do with these perpetual problems in a relationship?
The Gottman’s have a strategy.
Below you will find a 6-step guide to helping you get to a point of managing them, and hopefully a deeper understanding of, and appreciation for, your partner as a whole.
Here’s a short description of how to work through perpetual issues. A more detailed walkthrough of each step is below.
try to identify what goals or dreams are associated with your stance on the matter
do the circle exercise
ask yourself the questions
work towards compromise
accept one another!
1) Choose the issue that you and your partner would like to work through. One at a time!
2) Identify the dream, goal, and vision aligned with your opinion on the issue
Often our deepest dreams are rooted in childhood. None of these dreams are innately damaging to a relationship, it is only when they run into a partner’s differing dreams do they become problematic. Once the dream is identified, it can become easier to understand and empathize with your partner’s position on a topic. Below are some common dreams. Choose any that may apply or identify your own.
A sense of freedom
The experience of peace
Unity with nature
Exploring who I am
Adventure
A spiritual journey
Justice
Honor
Unity with my past
Healing
Knowing my family
Becoming all I can be
Having a sense of power
Dealing with growing older
Exploring a creative side of myself
Becoming more powerful
Getting over past hurts
Becoming more competent
Asking God for forgiveness
Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
Getting over a personal hang-up
Having a sense of order
Being able to be productive
A place and a time to just "be"
Being able to truly relax
Reflecting on my life
Getting my priorities in order
Finishing something important
Exploring the physical side of myself
Being able to compete and win
Travel
Quietness
Atonement
Building something important
Ending a chapter of my life saying goodbye to something.
3) Circle exercise: finding common ground
Decide together which solvable problem you want to tackle. Then sit separately and think about the problem. On a piece of paper, draw two circles—a smaller one inside a larger one. In the inner circle make a list of the aspects of the problem you can't give in on. In the outer circle list all of the aspects of the problem you can compromise about. Remember the Aikido principle of yielding to win—the more able you are to compromise, the better able you'll be to persuade your spouse. So try hard to make your outer circle as large as possible and your inner circle as small as possible.
4) Share your circles, ask yourselves some questions
The goal of this circle exercise is to try to develop a common way of thinking about the issue so that you work together to construct a real plan that you can both live with. As you share your circles, ask yourselves the following questions:
What do we agree about?
What are our common feelings or the most important feelings here?
What common goals can we have here?
How can we understand this situation, this issue?
How do we think these goals should be accomplished?
5) Be tolerant of one another’s faults
One quote I return to over and over when working with couples is “Choosing a partner is choosing a particular set of problems”. No one is perfect, and there are frustrations you will just have to live with no matter who you find yourself with.
Too often, a marriage gets bogged down in "if onlys." If only your spouse were taller, richer, smarter, neater, or sexier, all of your problems would vanish. As long as this attitude prevails, conflicts will be very difficult to resolve. Until you accept your partner's flaws and foibles, you will not be able to compromise successfully. Instead, you will be on a relentless campaign to alter your spouse. Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it's about negotiating, finding common ground, and ways that you can accommodate each other.
In Conclusion:
This isn’t intended to be depressing. It is to be realistic and acknowledge the nature of relationships so we can make the most out of them. Different doesn’t mean bad. But it can be challenging. Remember that long before you showed up, your partner had expectations, visions, and dreams of what their life, and their relationships, would look like. The fact that one’s dreams and one’s life almost never match up perfectly doesn’t mean we all have to be miserable. In our closest relationships, it just comes down to clearly communicating, open-mindedly working to understand your partner and resetting some expectations of what life absolutely has to be.
Reference: John M. Gottman Ph.D and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (1999).
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Our therapists provide mental health counseling for individuals, couples, and families. Our team also leads corporate and community trainings in the areas of Stress Management, Diversity Equity & Inclusion, and Relational Leadership.
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